You cannot give others what you cannot give yourself.

This is a lesson I have had to practice over and over again.

I spent much of my life believing our measure of kindness came from our external actions and words.

So, I would push all my kindness onto others.

Constantly striving to offer others compliments, encouragement, gentleness, and praise.

Always thinking of what others might need, trying to be the first person to show up with a helping hand or a considerate action.

If I just doubled down on giving my kindness to others, that must make me a kind person, right?

It sort of worked. For a while.

It sort of worked because to be kind IS to give kindness to others.

But it only sort of worked because I was missing the other half of kindness.

Self-kindness.

When I was anything less than perfect, I did not speak to myself kindly. When I had needs going unmet, I did not offer myself or seek help or support.

I spoke harshly in my head. And I ignored my needs.

I didn’t think it really made a difference to anyone else but me.

And yet—when I started to get really honest with myself and dig deep into situations where conflict would arise or I wasn’t able to show up the way I wanted to for others… it all came from that ugly place of being unkind to myself.

I could not give others what I would not give myself.

Some of it has to do with culture. Women are seen as valuable and worthy of love when they continuously give to others and are self-sacrificing. Putting yourself last is often quietly (or loudly) touted as a badge of ultimate honor for women.

“Look how she gives so much to others. She is so kind.”

It can be incredibly hard to go against the grain of the systems you live in. I don’t blame myself for that. No woman should.

And yet… some of the responsibility to live and feel differently also rests with me.

So, as part of my larger goal of cultivating a self-compassionate mindset, I’ve focused a lot of my efforts on my self-kindness practice.

In the beginning, it felt really uncomfortable. Being kind to myself and prioritizing that often felt like I was letting others down. Some people flat out did NOT like it. And understandably so. I was showing up differently in our relationship. Change is hard.

But change also brings us more ease, freedom, and integrity.

My self-kindness practice is helping me to be more consistent in the way I show others kindness. And it’s coming from a place of truth and authenticity, not a place of proving or earning.

It might seem self-indulgent on Pink Shirt Day, a day where we advocate for anti-bullying by promoting kindness to others, to make this post.

But to live in a truly kind world, we need to practice giving kindness to others and to ourselves.

Join The Conversation

As we navigate the journey of spreading kindness to others and practicing self-compassion, each of us has unique experiences and insights.

How do you balance the act of giving kindness to others while ensuring you’re also kind to yourself?

Have you faced challenges in practicing self-kindness, and what strategies have helped you embrace it?

I’d love to hear your stories and tips in the comments below.

Let’s learn from each other and grow together in our journey towards a kinder world💜